Josh Haddon
The Funny Thing About Cancer, by Josh Haddon
tinderfeatpic

The Day God Swiped Left On Me

So I’ve been asked by many people when my book ‘The Funny Thing About Cancer’ will finally be available. I try to answer honestly and without sounding like I’m making excuses. When I set out to create this for other who are fighting cancer I thought it would be pretty simple. I am a writer, a comedian and as driven as they come. I figured I would write a bunch of my thoughts, edit out the stuff I thought was garbage, re-write some, send it to an editor and voila! I’ve learned from both my developmental editor and publisher that that isn’t how you release something of quality.

Publishing a book takes a lot more than that. In my case, I have enough raw material to publish 3-4 books. However, each day brings new challenges, new ideas and a variation of other things that makes me want to tweak or edit what I wish to share with the world. For that reason, I am a little behind schedule. However, out of respect for the people who have supported me thus far, I wanted to share a snippet of one of the chapters. Here goes:
——
The Day God Swiped Left On Me.

For this part of the book to make any sense, you need to know what Tinder is.  Tinder is an application and/or a program that can be downloaded for free and run on most handheld devices/smartphones.  Whether it is a phone, tablet or iPod Touch – Tinder will work on it.  Tinder is used for quick online dating.  I hate Tinder, so much.

Tinder

With Tinder, you advertise to the world a few pictures of your face and hopefully someone out there in the world likes your face.  The catch is, you only find out if they like your face if you like their face too.  Tinder stores all the people who like your face secretly until you like one of their faces back and then Tinder says to you – ‘You have a match!’ and bang! You’re in love or whatever.

Since all of the devices that Tinder operates on are touch screen, when you see a face on Tinder, you swipe the person’s face left or right to get a new face to judge.  Swiping left means you think that person’s face is not good enough for your face and never want to see their face again. Swiping right means you like the person’s face and could see yourself kissing their face on a date. In short, swipes work like this: Left – Ew, get away from me forever troll.  Right – I want to have sex with you.

Tinder is a meat market. The dating platform is based on only the shallow element of human attraction. Then again, most 18-30 year olds are extremely shallow, so it works out great for Tinder. I literally hate Tinder, but like going to clubs and watching porn and other things I hate, I partook when I was single. If you have a cell phone and want to learn more about Tinder and the world of Tinder dating, check out my colleagues blog at www.walkinsauce.tumblr.com – the author’s name is Christina and she writes all about her Tinder escapades. It is hilarious and a great read to kill time while you’re waiting   

I’d love to say I found out about my cancer on Tinder, but I didn’t. Imagine though, I swiped right on a nurse or laboratory technician who recognized me from my biopsy. She happened to be cute, so I swiped right on her. Out of pit, she would have swiped right on me as well. Bang! We have a match.

A comedian can dream I guess.

For months I couldn’t swallow solid food. Every mouthful took what seemed like a pint of water to get down my throat. I was constantly choking on meals. Eventually, like most stubborn men, instead of going to the doctor, I switched to eating soups (thanks to Kayla at Rockhead Pub for her daily soups) and getting most of my calories from alcohol. I lost 20 pounds in a month – what a great diet!

Now, what I am about to share, no one knows. The story of how I was diagnosed was one of those ‘a-ah!’ moments we all have in life. In my case it was ‘A-ha! This is a perfect example of why my story needs to be a book.’…

I’m such a tease. To get the rest of the story, you will have to order a copy of the book. The good news is that with every copy that is preordered, a free copy will be sent a cancer centre somewhere in North America. Scroll to the top of the page, click on the book cover and order.

Thanks for reading. :)

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Orders have been stopped until Josh's book is published.